To the Resentful Navy Spouse-
I see you online, commenting to other spouses about your gripes with Big Navy. I sense the acidic tone in your voice as you lament the pain of moving again and “putting [your spouse’s] career first”. I cringe at your words and feel a bit heartbroken for your state because I remember feeling that way, too. It’s hard.
When I first married the Navy, oops, I mean my husband, we moved three times in those two years, effectively shredding my resume before the ink had a chance to dry. It hurt. Add in a junior naval aviator who mentioned to me at a dinner party that I shouldn’t complain about my career “because jet pilots spend their entire lives dreaming of their jobs and graphic designers do not” and I almost went to prison for first degree murder.
Years later, I remember being a young mother with baby vomit pooled in the center of my bra looking at photos of my deployed husband’s port call in the tropics. Or when I saw a photo of his steak dinner in Key West while I was eating my toddler’s cold, leftover macaroni and cheese from a plastic Little Mermaid plate. “Must be nice to be on vacation…” I grumbled as I changed another diaper. Bitterness found me ready and willing to jump aboard.
As many spouses of junior officers do, I rode that steam engine for a number of years until we decided together to stay in the Navy past my husband’s original commitment. We knew that we both had more to give our country so I disembarked from the Train of Resentment and proceeded on a new route with a new attitude. Travel photos ceased, my husband’s sea-pay was reclassified as “Babysitter Money” and prestigious Navy jobs were declined so our family could remain planted in the same soil for a while. Gratefulness found its way into my heart.
And I hope it can find its way to your heart, too.
Hear me out on this. I know that this Navy life is hard and sometimes you just need to call up a good friend and commiserate for a little while. I frequently do this, even after twenty-five years. But if you are bogged down in daily resentment or bitterness, can I offer you some advice?
- This military journey works much better if you consider yourself part of a team, rather than being a bystander blindly following the whims of your spouse’s career. Because the Navy is so all-encompassing, you need to find a way to make it your own, too. Find your silver lining, your own purpose in it. How can you set goals as a couple to make this work for BOTH of you?
- Talk to your spouse and state explicitly what is gnawing at your peace. Is it the separation? The overwhelming task of single parenting? The shredding of your resume and lack of career advancements? The stupidly gorgeous photos blowing up your phone? Write it, share it, talk about it, over and over.
- If those conversations leave you at an impasse and you can’t see eye to eye, I highly recommend Militaryonesource.com for free personal and/or marital counseling. It’s one simple phone call. This is your marriage here; do not wait to seek professional help.
- MEANWHILE… I’ve said it before and I will say it again—–> do not blame your spouse when he/she is gone. YES, the schedule will make you insane but it isn’t your spouse’s fault. People in much higher pay grades control the movement of ships & aircrew and world events can alter the plan in a single day. Remember that this is the Navy, sailors deploy, and no amount of complaining or blaming will ever change that mission. (See A Letter to my Younger Self when my husband left for the ship when I had a toddler and the stomach flu. Fun times.)
- Try, try, try to feel empathy for your spouse, rather than resentment. Can you put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and think about those stressful schedules and heartbreaking goodbyes? How would you react if you had to leave your children for six months? If you were locked in a giant metal container for months on end, with all your clothes and linens smelling of jet fuel, wouldn’t you enthusiastically jump at the chance for a gulp of fresh air on the beach? Give them some grace. If they decide to enjoy a pina colada on the beach, LET THEM. (Then go to Target and buy a pina colada mix for yourself.)
- If the bitterness persists and peace cannot be found… I’m going to say it…perhaps your time in the military is done. Twenty years of service is not for everyone and not required. It works wonderfully for some families but not well for others, so don’t force it. Serving five years, eight years, ten years is a noble act and our country is grateful, but it’s okay to choose a less intense environment and ride off into the Maverick sunset. The Navy is temporary but your marriage should be for the rest of your life.
I truly believe that military service can offer your family the experience of a lifetime if your heart is open and your communication is strong. It can be a wonderfully rich journey if you choose an attitude of gratefulness…but only you can decide to do it.
Wherever you land, know that you are SEEN and you are HEARD by so many of us out here. We get it. We understand the struggle. And we love pina coladas, too, so don’t be afraid to reach out when you need a listening ear,
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Original photo by @felipepelaquim on Unsplash
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