Glittering Kindness: the way of the military spouse

There is something about the military moving process that makes me want to take a blow torch to all of my personal possessions. When two hundred boxes are casually dumped onto the ground like hotcakes I am tempted to recreate Burning Man and provide free fire and heat to our new neighbors. The entire process is massively overwhelming, especially when you are eight months pregnant, your husband is working and your other kid is lost somewhere in your hoarder’s den from Hades. 

It was at this precise moment of panic that my doorbell rang and my husband’s new boss’s wife greeted me on my front porch. Knowing the stress that accompanies a military move, she stopped by to say hello and give me a coffee cake! Say what?? GOD. BLESS. HER. I needed her smile and my baby needed that shot of sugar. (Thank you K.M!)

Weeks later she invited me to a Navy spouse group upon which the women surprised me with a baby shower. Women who had NEVER met me gave me a baby shower!! The gesture literally left me speechless and still makes me teary as I write this now. It was pure kindness on the part of these military spouses, going to the store and buying this “Kim” person some diapers for her baby. (Thank you, Argos!)

And yet, those were not the only times I benefited from the kindness of milspouses. 

They came to my house at 3:00am to watch my kids when I went into labor and needed to rush to the hospital. (Thank you L.D!)

They raised money to support deployment activities and then turned around and donated it to cancer research in honor of my family member who had recently died. (Thank you, Tophatters!)

Right after moving to Europe, they knew me for a solid five minutes before inviting me to spend three hours at their house washing laundry. (Thank you, D.M!)

They heard my sad words about moving to a new town and not knowing any kids to invite to my daughter’s birthday party… so they grabbed their own kids and a handful of presents and came over to celebrate with us. (Thank you C.J!)

And when my husband was deployed last year, they accompanied me to the Emergency Room and claimed to be my “next of kin” so they could overrule the COVID policy and stay in the waiting room with me. (Thank you T.S!)

Like family, they have brought me home-cooked meals, jump-started my car, babysat my children, shared their homes, sent me encouraging texts, loaned me cars, left secret gifts on my doorsteps and offered sage advice to young Kim who was new to the Navy life.

In short, these women all showed up and sprinkled kindness on me like glitter. And ya’ll know the lingering effects of glitter… once it’s on you, it never comes off. Even years later, I still see the remnants sparkling in my life.

As time progressed and my husband promoted to new positions, I saw more opportunities for me to care for the spouses around me. “Pass the glitter!” I thought, and made the phone call to the spouse who was having a terrible day; I took the banana bread to the one who was moving houses; I texted, encouraged, gathered, and babysat because so many spouses had done the same for me. It wasn’t a hardship, it just felt right. Like a giant water pitcher, I found that the more kindness that poured into me, the more it overflowed. (And lest you think I am bragging about my exemplary moral character or fishing for compliments, know that I can easily name twenty other women who have done the exact same thing. And they are all probably nicer than me, too, hahahaha.) 

Because military spouses have treated me like family (see above!), I think differently about some topics circulating around the water cooler these days. “Why are spouses ‘pressured’ to fill FRG boards and Ombudsman positions when they are busy with their private careers and families?” “Why are spouses not compensated for holding leadership positions amongst Navy families?” It seems that “unpaid labor” is the new, political key-word…but I think the discussion is short-sighted.

The conversation itself is valid. Spouses’ careers are much different than twenty or thirty years ago, therefore social dynamics and pressures ought to shift, too. However…the military community is not unique in asking for volunteers. All of our communities rely on a certain amount of “unpaid labor” to keep the wheels turning- public schools, parent teacher clubs, youth sports leagues, girl scouts, band boosters, church nurseries and local charities. We are all working together for the good of our families and communities, inside and outside of the military, aren’t we? Must we always be compensated for our time?

When I have the chance to talk to Navy spouses in leadership classes, I always say “Caring for military families is NOT a requirement in any way, shape or form. It is simply an opportunity.” There is no prescribed formula and no amount of hours specified. There should be no pressure to return to 1950. In my mind, it boils down to the simple spirit of kindness, the gratefulness in giving back, and the propensity of paying it forward. It’s the sprinkling of glitter… so why not cover people in it? Recipients will sparkle for years and you will know that you added something beautiful to the world… or at least made a deployment a little less painful for another person.

With this idea in mind, I think we are asking the wrong questions. (Do I need to quote John F. Kennedy here or can you recite it in your head?) 

What if this is an opportunity to turn around and lift up other spouses behind us?

What if this is a time when we can model resilience to the twenty two year-old spouse who has never before lived alone?

What if this is a chance to offer kind words to someone struggling through the difficulties of moving, deploying or changing jobs?

THESE ARE OPPORTUNITIES. We can take them or leave them, no one will be arrested by the police if he/she goes his/her own way and devotes time to other people and communities. (And we NEED people devoted to all corners of society.) But if military spouses have sprinkled you with care, if they have filled a void somewhere that should have been filled by your family who lived one thousand miles away… maybe it’s time to shower someone else with glittering kindness. Maybe it’s time to send a quick text that says “I know. I’ve been there. And it’s difficult.” Maybe it’s time to bring them a smile and a coffee cake to let them know they are not alone! Because on that particular day, it might make all the difference. 

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I would love to hear which acts of kindness and #milspouseglitter are still sparkling in your life! Please share!

Original Photo by Mink Mingle on Unsplash

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